why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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