I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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