i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
