FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
