Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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