dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
