she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
