is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
