Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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