I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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