Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
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