I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I didn't notice because vodka
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
