Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
