I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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