did you get engaged???
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
