sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
