My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
