i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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