I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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