I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I supernannyed him into submission
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
