Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
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