yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
