Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
