I will die if light touches me.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
