I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Randomize
