toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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