I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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