last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
