I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
