last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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