He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
