My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
