Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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