update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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