First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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