I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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