I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
