before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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