the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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