We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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