I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
