your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
