my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
