I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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