So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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