so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
