There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
