She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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