I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
