At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
