the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
