i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
